I have decided to write a Mormon interfaith relationship blog because as a member of the LDS church, I have learned valuable lessons as I have opened myself to dating an Evangelical Christian man. I hope that my experiences will help others to see the beauty and challenges in interfaith relationships. There is a way to proceed carefully, with eyes wide open, focusing on Heavenly Father's will. I hope to smooth out the learning curve of an interfaith relatioship so you can feel the ticklish thrill driving fast over a hill and catching air, rather than experience a staggering ascent up a mountain followed by a dramatic cliff dive!
I want to share a little history to illustrate why I decided to date outside of my Mormon religion.
In a nutshell, I am the product of growing up in the '70's and '80's in beautiful Provo, UT. We lived in a tidy red brick house in the valley (appropriately nicknamed Happy Valley), shadowed by the grandeur of "Y" mountain, Brigham Young University, and the Provo temple. I had a fantastic childhood living within the protective bubble of a predominantly LDS community.
My family life was very traditional and I was raised with conservative LDS morals and values: Family prayers daily, Family Home Evening every Monday, attend MIA (aka youth activities) on Wednesdays, church on Sunday. Date at age 16, not before. Find and date a Return Missionary. Marry in the Temple. Start a Family. Be active in The Church. Serve Others. Be Happy. Endure to the End. Live a long, fruitful life, doing all that you can do, so that when you get to Heaven, you can be with your earthly family forever. Done Deal. A well-planned life all wrapped up in a pretty little package.
Except I never have done things the conventional way...
At seventeen I married an LDS man civilly, not in an LDS temple. We were never sealed for eternity in a Mormon temple. I had two beautiful daughters. Life unraveled, I divorced, moved back home with my parents and fell apart, all within four short years.
To the dismay of my family, I spent the next few years struggling through a Godless life as a single mom doing mostly what pleased me, feeling justified in blaming my religion because I felt abandoned by it.
In His loving grace, Heavenly Father didn't give up on me, even though I had given up on Him. He tried to communicate to me that I had more potential and a higher purpose in life than to struggle on my own, but I wouldn't listen. I was too busy pining over shards of my shattered dreams to care. God knew me. He created me. He knew I would be too stubborn to let go of my hurt and turn to Him, so he sent me a head-turner. He sent me Stew.
Stewart wasn't a complete stranger. We dated the summer before my junior year in High school. We had a special connection, even though we didn't datd beuond that summer. He was the one boy I had never forgotten. Swoon...
As "luck" would have it, when I was 24, I was set up on a blind date with Stew's best friend growing up. When James picked me up for our date, he recognized me he said, "OH! You're Stew's girl!" To my excitement he told me that Stew was single (divorced) and living in Texas, and would be interested in knowing I was single, too. He offered to reconnect us. A short time later I was talking with Stew on the phone, picking up where we left off nine years ago in High School.
We dated long distance over the phone, pre-internet, as he was living in Dallas, TX, and I was still in Provo. Our feelings for each other developed quickly, and I realized that I needed to be a better person than I was. He and his twin boys deserved more than I currently had to offer, as did my own little girls, so I set my mind to renewing my faith in God.
Stew's influence was good for me. I loved his sense of humor. He viewed life through more optimistic lenses than I. He could turn my mountains of worry into a smooth, sandy beach with his wit and perceptive rationale. He and I shared a similar history so we didn't judge, but rather we encouraged each other. We just had a desire to grow spiritually together. We returned to the LDS faith because it was all that we knew and it felt right.
I was so certain that we were destined to be together, I determined that if Stew didn't ask me to marry him during my Dallas trip, I was going to ask him to marry me! As it turned out I didn't have to wait for Dallas. Weeks before my planned trip, during a heartfelt, soul-revealing 12-hour conversation, Stewart proposed to me over the phone, and I enthusiastically accepted. He admitted that proposing long distance wasn't part of his plan. Instead he intended on waiting until I arrived in Dallas to stage the perfect moment at the perfect place to propose, but he couldn't wait that long.
I don't remember the date of our first conversation, or when we first said 'I love you,' but I do remember the day my life started anew. May 19, 1994, two days before Stew's 26th birthday, I flew into Dallas, TX on a two-way ticket to meet him; my rescuer and future husband. The man I hadn't seen for 9 years... not even in a picture. I knew before I landed that I wouldn't be redeeming my return ticket home. I was home.
Stew and I married civilly on July 9, 1994 and we just kind of threw everyone together: our combined children of four (his 8 year old twin boys; my two girls ages 3 and 5). We had all just met, and we were willing to learn how to unify our two families. We pieced together a simple plan to fortify our instant-made blended family with our renewed faith. Stew and I set a goal to be spiritually married for time and all eternity in an LDS temple on our first wedding anniversary.
That first year we worked fervently on our spiritual and family goals. We experienced many growing pains and struggles but we grew stronger in the gospel. We were active in our community, and went to church as family every Sunday. We had family prayers every night, and once in a while we would get in a really good habit of reading the Book of Mormon daily.
In August of the following year Stew and I were sealed for eternity in the Dallas Temple. Over the years we added to our combined four kids with three more of our own, two boys and a girl. Instead of 'Yours and Mine', these new siblings made us 'Ours,' especially in the kids' minds.
Our marriage wasn't perfect but Stew and I generously offered each other security that we would always be together, amidst any trial. Stew and I often discussed what our future would hold, as we grew old together. We imagined the joy we would feel celebrating our 20th year anniversary. We schemed plans to fill our empty nest years playing together and being super cool grandparents, to the envy of our kids. However, our plan was not God's plan, and on August 8, 2011, a week before a new school year, life as the kids and I knew it turned on a dime. Stewart died of a heart attack at 44 years old.
I tried to reconcile the future Stew and I planned together with my new reality; life without my confidant and best friend. How could I adequately raise the kids on my own? He was my rock, and clearly, the favorite, more capable parent...
I had a few well-intentioned friends try to soothe the raw pain of my loss by suggesting that I was young enough to marry again, that our youngest, Jesse, who had just turned three, didn't have to grow up without a dad. I didn't want to be anyone else's wife. I wanted to keep true to my promise to be Stew's wife for time and eternity. I ached to go be with him. Jesse being so young at the time Stew died turned out to be a tender mercy for me. He knew I would need a compelling reason to get out of bed every morning, and Jesse's full throttle energy and dependence on me was my daily motivation.
I determined early on break out of the cocoon of grief I was wallowing in to provide for my children emotionally, physically and spiritually. The foundation of faith that Stew and I built together in our marriage sustained me. But life as an only parent was a monumental struggle.
After nine months, I abruptly moved the younger kids and myself to a house on 13 wooded acres in rural Arkansas. I hoped the shock and awe move and seclusion would allow us to reconnect. That first summer on our own we did begin to heal and the children gaind security as I took back my rightful role as the head of the household.
Jesse, now four years old, longed for a dad. He wept for Stewart, and I wept, too. My heart ached for this little boy as I realized his memories of his dad were quickly fading, and yet he wanted his daddy so badly. Soon Jesse was asking me, "When are you going to find me a new dad? I need a dad. I want a dad to play ball with me." Clearly, as hard as I tried, I couldn't completely fill the role of a father.
After some time, the seclusion rural living turned to isolation. I decided to dip my toe into the dating waters, but I wasn't sure how to go about it. There weren't any single LDS men in a small, predominantly Baptist town of only 9,000 people. I joined an LDS online dating site, but I soon found out that my temple marriage and location ruled me out as a serious dating prospect.
In the LDS religion, a couple who is married or "sealed" together in a temple are bound to one another into the Eternities. This means that even in death, the couple is still married in heaven. In fact, LDS believe that in order to obtain all that God has to offer (Heaven, for Christians), one must marry for time (civilly) and eternity (spiritually) in a Mormon temple. This seems to be a wonderful, reassuring blessing from the Lord. However, for LDS men dating with the intent of marriage, it's a strong caveat against dating previously sealed widows.
Single LDS men can be spiritually married or "sealed" to more than one woman. However, although previously sealed single (divorced or widowed) females can civilly remarry, the LDS church precludes women from being spiritually married or "sealed" to more than one man while she is living. Confusing to non-Mormons, I know. Ultimately, LDS men willing to date a temple-sealed widow is an anomaly. It seems that for most LDS men, a enjoying life-long marriage of good fruits: love, friendship, spiritual and physical oneness, etc., isn't enough. They want it all for eternity, too.
Besides being a temple-sealed widow, living in the country was working against me in the online dating arena as well. Who purposefully moves to Arkansas anyway? Rural Arkansas is not exactly a hotbed of desirable employment opportunities. I realized that long-distance dating meant that my kids and I would likely have to move if I were to marry someone out of state.
It just so happens, I love Arkansas. To me it's like a secret garden where God poured out all of His best gifts in the form of beautiful, natural resources. I love the people, too. In my opinion, most are humble, Jesus-loving people who enjoy going to church. They don't ask what religion you are. Instead they indiscriminately ask, "Do you have a church?" If yes, then their response is, "Well that's great! Good to hear." If no, they warmly respond, "Well, come with me to my church. You're always welcome." No muss, no fuss. No complicated missionary work focused on conversion, just a genuine invitation to soak up God's Word through lively music (worship) and a pastor-taught Bible message.
Not wanting to date long distance, and decent single LDS men within a 500-mile radius were slim pickins, I expanded my social circle to include Christian men of different religions. It was important to me to date men whom held similar moral and spiritual values, so interfaith dating seemed a viable option. As long as neither person held to an expectation that the other would eventually convert, how challenging could it be to date outside my Mormon religion?
In January 2014, I met Mike. When I first saw Mike smile, he totally had me baited with his deep-set dimples. We exchanged numbers and talked over the phone daily, and by the end of our first date three weeks later, I was completely hooked.
I saw many admirable qualities about Mike. He was a loving, protective father of four girls. He was a widower so we shared that commonality.
I learned that Mike was Evangelical Christian with a very strong love for Jesus Christ. He didn't just read the Bible, he was very stalwart in living the principles that Christ taught. His faith in Jesus Christ provided him with security, and that appealed to me. As devoted as I was to my Mormon church, I believed that acceptance and divine guidance from my Heavenly Father was conditionally tied to worthiness and a continual strive for perfection. Early on Mike and I had very lively and engaging conversations as we learned the similarities and differences in our faiths and ways of worship. I appreciated that he was willing to learn about my LDS religion.
As we grew to love each other and decided to move towards marriage, we talked more transparently about all aspects of our lives. It was vitally important to us both that our kids feel secure in remembering and talking freely about their angel mommy or daddy. We too, trusted that we could give each other the same consideration, without worry that the other would feel insecure or unloved.
We also discoved the complexities of our interfaith dynamics. We wanted to build a joyful, loving marriage and solid family structure for the kids while supporting each other in our respective faiths, set on the foundation of Jesus Christ's teachings. However, we realized that the differences in our core beliefs were more than superficial. They were potentially cataclysmic.
There were a few times I felt like we were doomed. He would be better off without me (can you sense that I'm a tad bit emotional?) I was heartbroken. In every other aspect our relationship seemed to fall into place, so why couldn't we work out the most important one? Why was it so hard to grow together spiritually? We were focusing on Jesus Christ, so what was the problem? We realized the problem was that we held conflicting beliefs about the NATURE of Jesus Christ. He believed in a strictly Biblical Jesus Christ. My Mormon understanding of Jesus was different than taught in the Bible. How could be unified in Jesus Christ if we each believed a different version of Him?
I shed many tears as we struggled to reconcile our differences. Mike purposefully studied to learn about Mormon church doctrine and culture. I struggled to understand a Triune God and to accept that grace was a FREE gift, not something we earn "after all we can do."
One of the greatest lessons the Holy Spirit taught us was how to communicate our beliefs in a loving and respectful manner. These last 18 months have brought Mike and I blessings of personal growth and togetherness. The best blessing is that my trust and relationship with Jesus Christ has grown even deeper. I have rediscovered the Bible, and in turn, my place within the heart of God. I allowed His unconditional love and grace to dwell within mine. There has also been an unexpected answer to fervent prayers, but I will share that later on.
I am not a degreed relationship professional. My hope is that by sharing my experiences others will have enough information to determine early on if a Mormon interfaith relationship is something they wish to pursue. My mission is also to help other couples navigate through interfaith relationship waters calmly, without unintentionally causing potentially damaging ripples so they too, can work toward a joyful, purposeful Christ-based marriage.
What if the intent isn't to change your spouse, but to gently sculpt each other? Could this be the secret of happiness in a marriage? What does the technique of gently sculpting each other look like? 
